Joelology - Drake vs. Chris Brown (Bitch vs. Bitch)

I’m shocked.

I’m shocked Drake could actually attack someone…with a bottle. I’m pretty shocked he acted violent instead of talking about his feelings with Chris Brown. I expected TMZ to report something like: “Drake and Chris Brown sat down and talked about how they can move on from this issue.” I’m pretty shocked no one put their hands on Chris Brown earlier.

But it happened. Brown got bottled by Drake. And somewhere, a light-skinned, female, high school student is still passed out from the news. And somewhere on Tumblr, some people who write YMCMB fan fictions are most probably writing about Drake throwing the bottle at Brown — thus knocking him out — and doing unspeakable things to him somewhere in Canada with the rest of Young Money.

You know, when I heard Drake and Chris Brown got into a little scuffle, I immediately thought: “Bitch on bitch violence.” Because let’s be honest, Chris Brown is a bitch. He’s a very insensitive, immature, whiny little cunt who throws chairs through windows, strong arms hoes and somehow miraculously gets seen as an adonis amongst the female population because he takes his shirt off on a regular basis. Seriously, whenever Chris Brown does something wrong, it goes down like this:

Chris Brown: I just snorted cocaine and punched a stripper in the face!

Female Population: You’re a disgrace!

Chris Brown: Oh am I?

*takes off shirt*

Female Population: We forgive you Breezy! Please, punch us in the face!

“AND IN THE RED CORNER! FIGHTING OUT OF TORONTO, CANADA! WEIGHING IN AT—FUCK WHO KNOWS? HE IS THE REIGNING, DEFENDING, YOUNG MONEY BOTTOM BITCH AND SWEET DIVISION CHAMPION! AUUUUUBREEEEEEY ‘LET’S TALK ABOUT OUR FEELINGS’ GRAAAAAHAAAAM!”

On the other hand we have Drake. A sweet bitch who pretends to act gangsta but ends up talking about his feelings when it comes down to business. But this time, when it came down to business. Drake acted. But what caused him to act? Rihanna. Rumours have it that Rihanna was the reason Drake acted this way. But, wait, wait, wait. Why Rihanna? Because Drake wanted to be cool. Drake wanted to be gangsta. Just for once. He sent back a champagne bottle with a note saying: ‘I’m fucking the love of your life’. But then again, if that is true, then maybe the Meek Mill thing is too. Which means that Rihanna is in a love square. Which also means she’s a full blown hoe.

Let’s think about that for a minute. Drake stopped talking about feelings…Just let it sink in.

Then they brawled. Brown got hit with a bottle of Canada Dry and then they left the club looking like a real mess. Following mornin’, Brown tweets a fucking picture of himself doing a duckface with a small cut. The fuck you trying to achieve? It’s a small cut. Not a massive one. If anything, you should be lucky that the bottle wasn’t smashed in your face. Because if that was me and I was the one throwing the bottle, I would have swung for the fences at your face. But obviously, Drake isn’t as cold blooded as me. And the fuck you doing with that duck face? Why? Why would any grown man do this?

We all know Brown tweeted the picture to get attention from his female followers. Immediately, they were on his dick. Wondering if he was okay. Basically, they were treating him as a poor African child who had been captured by Joseph Kony and then had his limbs cut off. These people should be showing concern for the Australian tourist who somehow got caught up in this and literally left looking with more damage than Chris Brown. Imagine that? Coming over from Australia, only to witness a bar brawl between two of the biggest douchebags in the hip-hop game and then get bloodied during this brawl.

And that’s the main thing I don’t like about Chris Brown. As I mentioned earlier, he does so much horrible shit that other people would get crucified for — but somehow manages to be forgiven by his female fanbase. Maybe that’s because he’s a light-skinned dude? Shit, if someone like Fat Joe flow Joe’d (YOU GOTTA FLOW JOE, YOU GOTTA FLOW JOE, YOU GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA LET ‘EM KNOW JOE!) his right hand on Rihanna, he’d most probably be the most hated man of all time. I don’t know how Chris Brown does it. It’s like Chris Brown is a luckier version of Ike Turner. If Rihanna wasn’t too illiterate to write a book on the situation, maybe he wouldn’t be as lucky.

But then there’s Drake. Drake…just trying to act gangsta. Just trying to be accepted. But he will never remove the stigma of being associated with someone like Lil’ Wayne and Tyga. I’m sorry, you cannot be taken seriously when associated with those types of people. In fact, you cannot be taken seriously if you try and act all hard but end up going all soft and sweet in the next verse. Don’t work like that.

I’m honestly surprised no one hit Chris Brown earlier. The people on Good Morning America should have ganged up on him and given him a beatdown. Rihanna should have lead him to a studio to do the remix of the song that I forget and then beat the shit out of him with a gang of thugs. 

You know what’s going to be annoying about this situation? The way these girls are going to react. The obsessive fan girls are going to be as annoying as ever. We’re going to have fan girls claiming Chris is the victim and that he doesn’t deserve to be harmed (listen, he deserves to be harmed by anyone and everyone). Meanwhile, the Drake fangirls will be stating Canada Dry is a real life thug when it wasn’t even him who threw the bottle. That’s right. It wasn’t even him. Also, the first (and presumably only punch he threw) didn’t even hit. He was like Timothy Bradley in the opening seconds of the brawl. Then we’re going to have Breezy and Aubrey fan girls group together and start campaigning for the two to stop beefing. And the response of other girls will be: “THEY BOTH SEXY! WHY CAN’T THEY FIGHT WITHOUT THEIR SHIRTS? PLEASE? TWO LIGHT SKINNED BLACK MEN FIGHTING IS OUR FANTASY!”

I hope this beef continues. So I can hear Drake speak about his feelings and see Chris Brown have another meltdown. 

Can’t help but think that somewhere, Pusha T and Common are laughing about this.

Class dismissed.