Chris Brown said on Twitter that the Jackson family should stop making their business public…Chris Brown. Think about that for a minute. Chris Brown. The internet gangsta. The man who got bottled by Drake and continued to whine about it over twitter the next day. The man who made a scene on Good Morning America. The man who continues to be childish and shows no improvement in attitude. The list goes on and on and on.

Get outta here with that bullshit.

I think Chris Brown and Drake having a boxing match would be some 15 year old girl’s dream come true. You’d have girls up in the MGM Grand pass out once Michael Buffer introduces them. And then you’d have girls with their little signs saying: “I WISH BREEZY WOULD HIT ME!” and “TALK TO ME ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS DRAKE!”

Chris Brown and Drake have been offered $1 million to box each other? Once they get face to face in the ring, they’ll just talk about their feelings and Drake will win by unanimous decision due to his feelings being the strongest.

A wild Chris Brown appeared!

Go! Drake!

Chris Brown used Offering.

It doesn’t affect Drake.

Drake uses Bottle Throw.

It’s a one-hit KO!

It’s super-effective!

Chris Brown faints!

Joelology - Drake vs. Chris Brown (Bitch vs. Bitch)

I’m shocked.

I’m shocked Drake could actually attack someone…with a bottle. I’m pretty shocked he acted violent instead of talking about his feelings with Chris Brown. I expected TMZ to report something like: “Drake and Chris Brown sat down and talked about how they can move on from this issue.” I’m pretty shocked no one put their hands on Chris Brown earlier.

But it happened. Brown got bottled by Drake. And somewhere, a light-skinned, female, high school student is still passed out from the news. And somewhere on Tumblr, some people who write YMCMB fan fictions are most probably writing about Drake throwing the bottle at Brown — thus knocking him out — and doing unspeakable things to him somewhere in Canada with the rest of Young Money.

You know, when I heard Drake and Chris Brown got into a little scuffle, I immediately thought: “Bitch on bitch violence.” Because let’s be honest, Chris Brown is a bitch. He’s a very insensitive, immature, whiny little cunt who throws chairs through windows, strong arms hoes and somehow miraculously gets seen as an adonis amongst the female population because he takes his shirt off on a regular basis. Seriously, whenever Chris Brown does something wrong, it goes down like this:

Chris Brown: I just snorted cocaine and punched a stripper in the face!

Female Population: You’re a disgrace!

Chris Brown: Oh am I?

*takes off shirt*

Female Population: We forgive you Breezy! Please, punch us in the face!

“AND IN THE RED CORNER! FIGHTING OUT OF TORONTO, CANADA! WEIGHING IN AT—FUCK WHO KNOWS? HE IS THE REIGNING, DEFENDING, YOUNG MONEY BOTTOM BITCH AND SWEET DIVISION CHAMPION! AUUUUUBREEEEEEY ‘LET’S TALK ABOUT OUR FEELINGS’ GRAAAAAHAAAAM!”

On the other hand we have Drake. A sweet bitch who pretends to act gangsta but ends up talking about his feelings when it comes down to business. But this time, when it came down to business. Drake acted. But what caused him to act? Rihanna. Rumours have it that Rihanna was the reason Drake acted this way. But, wait, wait, wait. Why Rihanna? Because Drake wanted to be cool. Drake wanted to be gangsta. Just for once. He sent back a champagne bottle with a note saying: ‘I’m fucking the love of your life’. But then again, if that is true, then maybe the Meek Mill thing is too. Which means that Rihanna is in a love square. Which also means she’s a full blown hoe.

Let’s think about that for a minute. Drake stopped talking about feelings…Just let it sink in.

Then they brawled. Brown got hit with a bottle of Canada Dry and then they left the club looking like a real mess. Following mornin’, Brown tweets a fucking picture of himself doing a duckface with a small cut. The fuck you trying to achieve? It’s a small cut. Not a massive one. If anything, you should be lucky that the bottle wasn’t smashed in your face. Because if that was me and I was the one throwing the bottle, I would have swung for the fences at your face. But obviously, Drake isn’t as cold blooded as me. And the fuck you doing with that duck face? Why? Why would any grown man do this?

We all know Brown tweeted the picture to get attention from his female followers. Immediately, they were on his dick. Wondering if he was okay. Basically, they were treating him as a poor African child who had been captured by Joseph Kony and then had his limbs cut off. These people should be showing concern for the Australian tourist who somehow got caught up in this and literally left looking with more damage than Chris Brown. Imagine that? Coming over from Australia, only to witness a bar brawl between two of the biggest douchebags in the hip-hop game and then get bloodied during this brawl.

And that’s the main thing I don’t like about Chris Brown. As I mentioned earlier, he does so much horrible shit that other people would get crucified for — but somehow manages to be forgiven by his female fanbase. Maybe that’s because he’s a light-skinned dude? Shit, if someone like Fat Joe flow Joe’d (YOU GOTTA FLOW JOE, YOU GOTTA FLOW JOE, YOU GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA LET ‘EM KNOW JOE!) his right hand on Rihanna, he’d most probably be the most hated man of all time. I don’t know how Chris Brown does it. It’s like Chris Brown is a luckier version of Ike Turner. If Rihanna wasn’t too illiterate to write a book on the situation, maybe he wouldn’t be as lucky.

But then there’s Drake. Drake…just trying to act gangsta. Just trying to be accepted. But he will never remove the stigma of being associated with someone like Lil’ Wayne and Tyga. I’m sorry, you cannot be taken seriously when associated with those types of people. In fact, you cannot be taken seriously if you try and act all hard but end up going all soft and sweet in the next verse. Don’t work like that.

I’m honestly surprised no one hit Chris Brown earlier. The people on Good Morning America should have ganged up on him and given him a beatdown. Rihanna should have lead him to a studio to do the remix of the song that I forget and then beat the shit out of him with a gang of thugs. 

You know what’s going to be annoying about this situation? The way these girls are going to react. The obsessive fan girls are going to be as annoying as ever. We’re going to have fan girls claiming Chris is the victim and that he doesn’t deserve to be harmed (listen, he deserves to be harmed by anyone and everyone). Meanwhile, the Drake fangirls will be stating Canada Dry is a real life thug when it wasn’t even him who threw the bottle. That’s right. It wasn’t even him. Also, the first (and presumably only punch he threw) didn’t even hit. He was like Timothy Bradley in the opening seconds of the brawl. Then we’re going to have Breezy and Aubrey fan girls group together and start campaigning for the two to stop beefing. And the response of other girls will be: “THEY BOTH SEXY! WHY CAN’T THEY FIGHT WITHOUT THEIR SHIRTS? PLEASE? TWO LIGHT SKINNED BLACK MEN FIGHTING IS OUR FANTASY!”

I hope this beef continues. So I can hear Drake speak about his feelings and see Chris Brown have another meltdown. 

Can’t help but think that somewhere, Pusha T and Common are laughing about this.

Class dismissed.

Ninety-nine bottles of Canada Dry on the wall

Ninety-nine bottles of Canada Dry.

Drake throws one at Chris Brown

And he goes down.

Ninety-eight bottles of Canada Dry on the wall.

Let’s Talk About - Diehard Dumb Fan Girls

This applies to fan boys…but mostly fan girls…And I’ll be using Justin Bieber and One Direction as a main example in this, because fuck Justin Bieber and One Direction. Fucking faggots.

…Diehard fan girls, who are diehard fan girls over musicians such as Justin Bieber, One Direction and so on have got to be the most annoying thing on the planet. Never before have I wanted to kill a group of people so bad.

When you look a Twitter, what do you often see? That’s right, trends started by hardcore fan girls for the ‘pretty boy’ musicians that they soak their panties for. Justin Bieber, One Direction, the list goes on and on and on. I literally cannot log into Twitter without seeing Bieber’s name plastered on the trends or the name of Beliebers in an silly sentence such as: “Beliebers have swag” or “Beliebers are the best!” I can’t even log onto Twitter without seeing the group that call themselves ‘Directioners’, go on about their beloved shitty boyband. 

I’m sick of these fan girls and their diehard fangirling over these really, really, really, poor quality musicians. And I’ll give reasons why I hate them…so here we go.

Firstly, their show of appreciation is just…too much. It’s just so obsessive. It’s so obsessive that you’d think they’re all autistic savants and they’re trying to maintain a daily routine which includes supporting worshipping their favourite musician. The overwhelming support may seem great amongst those who are also fans, but to those who are not, it’s bloody irritating.

Let’s go back to why I crossed out the word ‘supporting’ and replaced it with worshipping. I did it because that’s what they do. They worship them like they are all a part of a religion. It’s like Justin Bieber, One Direction, whatever musician they support is their God. ”But Joel, isn’t that the same for all musicians?” Nope. If you look at a group of fans for another musician — let’s say Kanye West. I love Kanye West. His music is of an excellent standard. But do I act in the way these fan girls do? Nope, because I’m not a female. But would I act that way if I was female? Nope. Acting crazy like that over a musician is just stupid.

And here’s the thing that gets me. The fan girls will act crazy over the musician, but then they all feel like they’re a part of that musician. And some take the craziness a little bit over the top. When that musician that they support does something involving another female, they all start crying like a bunch of kids who have just gotten beaten with a slipper because their parent told them not to do something and they did it. You want an example? When Justin Bieber started dating Selena, all these fan girls acted like they were betrayed.

“OH, HOW DARE JUSTIN CHEAT ON ME!” “FUCK SELENA!” “LETS KILL SELENA!” and shit like that engulfed social networking sites. Wanna know what my reaction was?:

Justin Bieber doesn’t know who the fuck you are and you were all acting like he was your boyfriend. And then you start sending death threats to Selena and shit like that. Who the fuck is you, to start feeling betrayed about something THAT DOES NOT INVOLVE YOU. Then you start claiming he’s your husband and shit like that. If you’re a girl, and you start doing stuff like that, then you need to meet a boy and get laid…That’s if you’re over 16 (18 depending on the country). If you’re under that age, then you need to go and do something productive with your lives. It doesn’t even stop there, it continues when fangirls start getting pissed about their favourite artist living their lives. I read this post last night (which made me laugh so much) about this girl who had camped outside the hotel where One Direction was staying and then the boys chino wankers went out for the night. The girl was upset that they didn’t interact with them. Well, if I (god forbid) was one of those chino wankers and I saw you camping outside my fucking hotel, I would ignore all of you. I’d want privacy. In fact, if I was them, I’d get a fucking hose and spray you away.

Anyway, I continued reading this thing, and the girl said that a mother of another fan overheard One Direction saying that the Australian fans ‘were too much’. WELL CAN YOU BLAME THEM? This is pretty much a walking example of what is annoying about diehard fan girls. They’re up in their musician’s ass so much, that the said musician gets tired of them.

And it’s not just that. These fan girls are also psycho when it comes to you insulting the musician they idolise. Guaranteed, there’s most probably going to be a One Direction or Justin Bieber or whatever poor-quality musician they listen to diehard fan, that’s looking at this post and muttering: “Fuck that nigger talking about my babies!” When people attack their favourites, they all seem to go after that person like a gang of wild dogs. They’ll go after them on Twitter, become anonymous over Tumblr and send them hate. You’ll see them say stuff like: “FUK U! JUSTIN 4 LYFE!11!1!!” or “FUK U! LIAM IS TEH BEZT!” 

But there’s one thing I will forever enjoy about these diehard fan girls. They go to war against each other. Yes. It’s hilarious to see one fan girl of one artist and one of another butt heads over who is better, which group of fans are the best and so on. The clashes on Twitter and the trends are hilarious too. You’d be seeing tweets like “Directioners piss on Beliebers” and so on. Before I continue, what the hell is up with these stupid names for fans? Just call yourself fans, supporters or anything that can be found in the thesaurus for the word ‘supporter’. Don’t create a gay name for yourselves, that’s just ridiculous. The wars amongst themselves add to the already bad, already annoying image of diehard fan girls. 

Then, their fan stance seems to cloud their judgement. Want an example of this? That One Direction US case that has just come up. Nearly every ‘Directioner’ has thrown common sense out the fucking car window, stopped in the middle of the road and reversed over it several times. They start saying ridiculous shit like: “Who teh fuk iz dis othar 1D? UK 1D r famouz, so d othar 1D suck nd they werent 1zt.” They totally write off the fact that the US One Direction, has a valid case. You don’t need a fucking degree in law to realise that.

Doesn’t stop there. Remember when Common dissed Drake (and started a rap beef that he actually won)? Every Drake fan girl went around saying that Common was an old man and they didn’t know who he was and that he needed the publicity. And it doesn’t stop with Drake. Remember when Chris Brown beat the shit out of Rihanna? Girls even today, blame Rihanna for that. And they are all like: “I wish Breezy could beat me like that ;)” Guaranteed, if somebody that wasn’t Chris Brown beat the shit out of these girls for the same reason Chris Brown kicked the shit out of Rihanna, they wouldn’t be wanting anything like that again.

What I don’t get is, why these musicians have such obsessive followings? You got a bunch of faggots called One Direction, who don’t write their own songs and all they can do is sing (poorly), make simple songs that target a relatively simple audience and walk around in chinos all day like they’re a walking advertisement for TopShop. Then you got Justin Bieber, who is equally as shitty as One Direction. I guess it’s the marketing. I mean, ‘cute’ boys who can ‘sing’ is pretty much money in record labels eyes, and they start capitalising on the vulnerable teenage girl market — playing with their feelings and stuff (hey, Drake does that too — but fuck Drake). Then we got Chris Brown. Who is cocky about nothing. Throws hissy fits live on air and shows no remorse for all the bad things he’s done. You can throw the Kanye argument at me right here, I don’t care. Kanye has something to be cocky about — Brown has nothing.

I have a theory on this: every quality musician does not have fans who are as annoying as those ‘diehard’ ones you see supporting Justin Bieber or One Direction. They have the occasional trend on Twitter and shit like that. But they are not on everybody’s asses every five fucking seconds. 

But whatever. To round this off: you fan girls who fucking wet their panties and use the musicians CD’s as dildos over musicians like Justin Bieber, Drake, One Direction and so on…you all annoy me. In fact, you all need to fuck off. If you hate what you’ve read and you fall into any of these categories, you know where the ask box is. Come at me. I don’t care if you’re a Belieber, I don’t care if you’re a One Directioner, I don’t care if you’re a fucking Team Breezy Wifebeating Squad member. Come at me if you hate what I’ve read and you’re feeling enraged.

I’m done!